This morning I did what I usually do. I opened my eyes, rolled over a few times, reached out for Lucy, and eventually picked up my phone. I headed to Facebook (as I too often do), and my thumb did what it does so well, and I started scrolling. I was only two minutes in when I realized what today was.

National Sibling Day.

Pictures of my friends with their siblings, smiling, laughing. I click on “memories”.

I see that picture above. His smiling face. He was really happy that day.

I’ve gotten so good at missing you, brother. It comes naturally, now. I pass through the days and weeks focused on an education that will allow me to help people who feel like you did, who feel like I do. I am determined. I keep going. I plunge forward.

I think of you constantly. When I see birds flying. When I’m sad and need someone to talk to. When I’m angry. When I see a car driving too fast. When I drive my car too fast. When I accomplish something that feels impossible. Your reflection is in the eyes of every single person who loved you, and brother, let me tell you, there are a lot of people down here who love you.

Today, my grief and anguish rise and bubble to the surface. I can’t control it. The only thing I can do is turn down the heat, the pressure to be okay, the papers, the foundation, the stress, and wait. Wait until I can smile through the heartache again. Wait until the overwhelming feeling of being a sister without a little brother passes. Wait until your smiling face takes up enough space in my brain that I can keep going.

You were the best brother I could have ever asked for. Being your big sister was the best job I’ll ever have.

I love you, brother.

With your heart, and mine,

Kelsey (AKA Sisser, AKA Kelso)