It’s been 16 days since I’ve hugged you.

16 days of grief. 16 days of pure love.

I woke up this morning not knowing how to approach today. I still don’t, if we’re being honest. I’m still navigating my way through each minute I’m awake with a heart that is so raw it sits uncomfortably in my chest, beating hard enough, sometimes, to convince me it’s trying to run away from the grief that resides in the core of my bones.

I was going to say “today isn’t about my grieving heart” next. But that would be a lie. It is about me. It is about all of us. It is about the 800,000 people who lose their battle to this raging disease every year. It is about the millions of people left in the wake of that statistic who feel just like I do because their loved one couldn’t hold on any longer.

I watched my beautiful brother struggle for 5 years. 5 years filled with a gnawing fear that someday I would be sitting here, empty hearted, writing this blog post to you. 5 years of watching him battle his own brain chemistry. 5 years of watching him try to muster the energy to keep going. He tried to be better for us. Quite simply, he couldn’t find the help he needed.

You see, my brother was amazing.  He was funny beyond comprehension (anyone remember his Bubbles impersonation? Or the many Family Guy characters?). He was smart in a way that always intrigued me. His business idea’s showed his determination and motivation. He thought about things critically. He is the kindest person I will ever know, and his heart was so big he wanted to help every single person he met in any way he could. He strived to make everyone’s burden a little lighter. In one conversation I remember well from a few years ago, he explained to me that helping people was the only way he felt better. He told me that it was why he was put here. I can’t help but agree.

So today, on World Suicide Prevention Day, I begin to share our story. His story. My only hope is that his big heart will continue to lighten the burden of fellow heavy hearts. We need to keep the conversation going about mental health and suicide. We need to face the fear and the discomfort that comes with having those tough conversations. We must eliminate the stigma attached to mental health. I have big plans, brother.

With Jake’s heart, and my whole soul, we will make a difference.