Seven years ago today the darkness swallowed you up and grief started eating away at what was left of the rest of us. Seven is a hard number to fathom, just like all the rest before. Seven years into the madness of missing you and now I am pretty sure that it never gets better … Continue reading Seven years without you and my whole life to go.
brother
Hello/Goodbye
If I had known that it was goodbye, I would have bucked against the passing of time on that muggy August evening. I would have bloodied my hands pulling on the rope of time, so desperate to slow it all down. We would have taken the long way home, would have spoken our love with … Continue reading Hello/Goodbye
Six
Six in one hand and a half a dozen in the other. Whatever way you say it, it will never be less absurd that it has been six years since I've last hugged you. Sometimes it feels like six years is just enough for me to feel like you were never even really here. Other … Continue reading Six
Golden Boy
Somehow it is January 27th again and you should be turning 27. You should be about to go for another spin around the sun we barely see in the dead of winter. You should be sleeping in and mom should be making you another birthday cake and you'd only eat all of it if it … Continue reading Golden Boy
5 Years with the Grief Monster
I wonder why 5 years feels so much harder? Maybe even the worst (so far). Is it because it is an increment of five and that feels big and scary? Maybe it’s because it just seems impossible to have lived half a decade without you. Almost a quarter of your life. Maybe it’s because it’s … Continue reading 5 Years with the Grief Monster
Suicide Prevention Day
September 10th, 2016 was the day I created this blog. It's hard to grasp how much has changed since then. It's even harder to grasp how much hasn't changed since then. I remember sitting on a bed that is no longer mine in a room that never felt like home but somehow had all my … Continue reading Suicide Prevention Day
2 years
How can two years feel like an eternity and 10 minutes all at once? We added numbers and figures to time thousands of years ago to orient ourselves in the space we occupy. Why then, does time feel like the most disorienting thing in my world. Why then, does time feel like a trap I … Continue reading 2 years
23
Jakey, I woke up this morning wondering if the Sun missed you as the planets passed by this year, wondering if its rays searched for you in unfamiliar faces like I do in crowded places, if it's beams noticed when it had started retracing it's steps this morning and hadn't come across you, as it … Continue reading 23
A Year of Love and Loss
Dear Jake, Today is a hard day to describe, but then again, I bet you know that. It feels like both 9 minutes and 9 years since my heart has had the privilege of beating in sync with yours. The overwhelming wave of trauma, grief, and sadness that usually laps at my feet, ebbing and … Continue reading A Year of Love and Loss
National Sibling Day
This morning I did what I usually do. I opened my eyes, rolled over a few times, reached out for Lucy, and eventually picked up my phone. I headed to Facebook (as I too often do), and my thumb did what it does so well, and I started scrolling. I was only two minutes in … Continue reading National Sibling Day
With Jake's Heart 